Fed up with being treated like the main attraction in a circus, and with Steve Francis' constant declarations that Formula 50 Vitamin Water "is for closers," Ming presses a button on his cell, bringing on the full might of the combined Chinese armed forces-including the apocalyptic power of the Doomsday Machine-upon Houston and the greater United States, thus beginning WWIII and making Michael Jordan the winner of his wager. Head, Luther: Will share his favorite quote, "You always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take," with Yao Ming, who takes Head’s token of brotherhood as an insult to his homeland’s imported fortune cookie mysticism. B-Hay will lean in and tell his teammate, "Grey-hair, before you die, know that I will put under the knife your children, and wipe your seed from this earth forever…No homo." Haywood, Brendan: Will visit Etan Thomas-his longtime nemesis-in the hospital following Thomas’ heart procedure. Hayes, Jarvis: Will shoot for Boddingtons. Hayes, Chuck: Will smash Rebecca DeMornay. Haslem, Udonis: Will buy Regal Cinemas South Beach so that he can watch the Assasination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, in it’s proper widescreen setting, every single night, incessantly muttering, "poetry don’t work on whores," to himself. Hart, Jason: Will never quite walk off the shock of Andrei Kirilenko’s decided lack of AK-47’s.
Harrison, David: Will find out what happens when Mike Dunleavy stops being polite and starts being real. Harris, Devin: Will discover the dark side of the misadventures of two women and one man living in one apartment and their neighbors.
JEFF MCINNIS CHARLES OAKLEY BLUETOOTH
Unbeknownst to Harrington, Michael Jordan watches from behind a two way mirror wearing nothing but a Craig Ehlo throwback and a Bugs Bunny mask, talking into a Bluetooth mic, wagering on something much, much more important. Harrington, Othella: On a fog laden night, at 4AM, in a practically unfurnished mansion by Lake Wylie, Othella will gamble and lose the virginity of his first-born (boy or girl) to Charles Oakley during a Texas Hold 'Em game. Harrington, Al: Will finally finish Infinite Jest. Harpring, Matt: Will know what it means to achieve total enlightenment (the "right way") while attending a December Kenny Wayne Sheppard gig at Salt Lake’s rockin’ lil’ road house, the Dead Goat Saloon. Hardaway, Anfernee: if his season matches the buzz he could win comeback player of the decade and save the West Memphis 3. Hamilton, Richard: Will find that the mask wears him. Hamilton, Alexander: Will finally admit that when in shootouts it is prudent to stay low and keep firing. In the 'lazy river' of Typhoon Lagoon's Castaway Creek? The Central Florida co-ed's will call him player of the year. Ham, Darvin: As a Magic sub: a veteran in his twilight. Griffin, Adrian: Abruptly quits the NBA and joins the White Sox for spring training Greene, Orien: Gets in a fight with Taurean Green Green, Willie: Runs for mayor of Philadelphia Green, Taurean: Traded to the Bulls because Paul Allen thinks it's funny Green, Jeff: Will make Spencer Hawes jealous Green, Gerald: Sees "Return of the Jedi" for the first time Green, Devin: Will live forever in the shadow of Devin Brown Gray, Aaron: Becomes the Bulls' starting center and Skiles's new favorite player Granger, Danny: Decides that he can't hang out with David Harrison anymore Graham, Sylvester: Invented Graham crackers to stop kids from masturbating Graham, Stephen: Hangs out with Jarron Collins Graham, Joey: Hangs out with Jason Collins Gordon, Ben: Finally traded, averages 25 ppg on his new team Gooden, Drew: Starts collecting Finnish psych-folk records Gomes, Ryan: Becomes best friends with Craig Smith Giricek, Gordan: Discovers he is a distant relative of Jeff Hornacek Ginobili, Manu: Marries a Spanish language soap opera star Gill, Eddie: Gets Harold Arceneaux a job as Vince Carter's personal assistant George, Devean: Renews efforts to become the next Robert Horry Gelabale, Mickael: It is discovered that he is not really French, nor is that his real hair
Gay, Rudy: Enjoys extreme popularity among WNBA fans Garrity, Pat: Pat Burke convinces him to join the Irish national team Garnett, Kevin: Walks the Freedom Trail alone Garcia, Francisco: Supplants Mike Bibby in the starting line up because Reggie Theus decides he prefers "tall point guards" Garbajosa, Jorge: Demands a trade to the Grizzlies Gadzuric, Dan: Decides to grow dreadlocks Players with last names A-F can be found here. Thanks to bleacherbloggers for featuring our preview on their episode today, and thanks to SI.com for the love. Day 2 of our ongoing EVERY PLAYER PREVIEW, in which Bethlehem Shoals, Billups, Brown Recluse, Esq., and I preview the fortunes of every single player in the entire league.
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